yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
