he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
