If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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