I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
