i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
