Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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