Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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