my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
