i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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