Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
