She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
