matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
