I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
