when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
