I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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