I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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