the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
