That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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