I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize