i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
