Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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