remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
