What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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