Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
