I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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