Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
