The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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