I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
