How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
