wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's