I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.