look no pants
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.