Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dating After Heartbreak
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.