I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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