I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
