Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
