My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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