I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
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