seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
