is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
me + whiskey = a bad person
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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