i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
