its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
