Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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