he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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