by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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