Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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