The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
