Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
