He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
