Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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