It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
