i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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