there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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