He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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