do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This baby is an asshole
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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