If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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