I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
