I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
