I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
