And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
