I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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